Mission to Venice (Murder Room)

Knowing how your vehicle works and how to identify common car problems is a good beginning. Some repair shops create their own maintenance schedules, which call for more frequent A sweet, steamy odor indicates a coolant leak.

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Did I mention that they were stupid? Did we really need this? Miller and Patricia Jacques. Self-Imposed R Rating. A group of environmentalists land on a oil rig to tell the world of their plight only to find it abandoned. There's a ghostly presence on board which begins possessing the group one at a time jumping from body to body, killing the last body as it possesses the next. This is a slow, uninvolving piece of supernatural trash which takes forever to get going and then it crawls at a snail's pace. Director Julian Kean seems to have no idea how to make a suspenseful film, with a minimal amount of bloodshed and plenty of pat situations.

This is just plain bad as Patrick is as wooden as an oak tree and the murders are bloody yet phony-looking and co-star John Carradine looks like he is reading off of cue cards. There are some interesting early video tricks on hand, but that doesn't detract from the cheesiness of the entire project. If it smells like dogshit, it probably is dogshit.

Also available on video from United Home Video. Trapped by an avalanche, one-by-one the group is slaughtered by decapitation, strangulation, immolization, impalement and other nasty means. Most of the actors are badly dubbed and the action and music are really lame. It's easy to see why. It's just plain bad. Stay away from Swedish horror films and just stick to the Swedish women.

A Vista Home Video Release. I was right; the stench is unbearable. All you'll find here is bad acting, cheap effects get a load of the sight of the mutated abortion and killer umbilical cord! This is strictly bottom of the sewer entertainment, not even good for a laugh when under the influence of a controlled substance. Take my word for it. A York Home Video Release. I've smelled some bad things in my life, but nothing quite stinks like this amateurish horror western. An unkillable cowboy in white Tag Groat murders anyone who steps on his land.

He is caught by a posse and is hung, shot and left for dead. He proceeds to shoot, stab and strangle them until only a couple are left. A man decapitates the Devil Rider with a sword and everything seems back to normal. What do you think? This film is strictly amateur hour both in front of and behind the camera.

It's just a boring piece of stinky cheese that belongs in a damp cellar where it will hopefully stay for eternity. Not to be confused with the biker flick with the same name. A Cineglobe Video Release. It's auspicious to say the least. A bunch of partying boozehounds go to a house where a boy killed his mother years before with a sledgehammer How can a little boy swing a sledgehammer? The boy is now grown up and possibly a ghost as he disappears and reappears at will and begins to dispatch the group one by one.

This confusing amateurish supernatural police thriller concerns some unknown presence that goes around bashing in the heads of various unsuspecting people walking the streets. You know you're in trouble when Adam West is the main star of the film. Here he plays Professor Marduk, who is looking for a way to kill this Demon from Hell. In the finale, West uses an ancient sword and mace to dispatch it. To get to the finale, you have to put up with some of the worst acting and sound recording that my ears have had to put up with for quite a while.

Director Arthur Egeli has neither an eye or ear for this type of material as the action scenes are static and the staging of some of the other scenes is awkward to say the least. There are good badfilms and bad badfilms. There are some decent gore shots though. A Magnum Entertainment H. I guess director Bruce Toscano threw that bit of wisdom out the window and decided to make an artsy-fartsy horror film full of weird camera angles, minimalist acting and deadly-dull pacing.

Good samaritan Gary Wallace picks up a hurt stranger who gives him a jar with some sort of mutant baby in it. This mutant baby begins to take over his life One friend says: "You look like you've been worked over by Hell's Angels. You'll go crazy too if you watch this film all the way through. Crazy from boredom.

There's nothing in this film worth your time or effort. A killer in a pumpkin mask, known as the "Lawnmower Killer" goes about slaughtering the friends of virginal Julia Duffy using his custom lawnmower and other utensils. It's not funny and wastes the talents of everyone involved. Stay away unless you have an intestinal blockage. This will definitely loosen you up. A Vestron Video Release. Rat ed PG. While drilling for oil in the thick ice of the Arctic, the crew accidentally releases a giant trilobyte yes, that's right which begins chowing down on the employees and a group of green researchers who have just arrived.

The plot's absurd, the giant trilobyte is laughable and the acting is strictly routine. There's not much blood or gore a mandate director John Carl Buechler was given by his German backers so why bother? Thankfully, it's only 83 minutes long so it did not do too much damage to my system. Rated R. It takes forever for the film to pick up steam and, when it does, it fumbles the ball at every turn. He's a drooling, chicken-head-bitin' terror who is unfortunately given very little to do. The "surprise" ending is a hoot, though. You'll thank me later. Originally titled GEEK. This minute exercise in tedium concerns a Kansas-born writer Stacy Carson who moves to Los Angeles actually filmed in Denver to get his big break.

What he gets instead is a haunted videotape that makes everything he writes to actually happen in real life. If this sounds interesting, I'm sorry. It's quite the opposite. It's badly acted, written, photographed and the pacing is slower than a snail with hemorrhoids. I could go on praising the badness of this film but I would be doing the world a big disservice.

It's a 10 minute short film stretched to feature film length. But, if you like films with a little more than sex, death and Catholicism at an all-girls school, look somewhere else. The killer is easier to spot than a two dollar whore and the violence is not at all that bloody or interesting. This one came late in the stalk-and-slash genre and it offers nothing new for the discriminating viewer.

At least he didn't make the police chief an idiot. This cop has brains, which most films of this type seem to forget. A Live HV Release. This is his. This is basically a three character play about two strangers who are trying to escape from something that's chasing them it's only shown as a bright red light and end up at the house of a woman. Things that seem real are not and no matter where the two men go they end up going nowhere.

It all has to do with some secret government thought control program preparing people for space flight. It doesn't make any sense. This is one of the most boring films to come along in quite a while and it's filmed very cheaply using early computer effects to try and dazzle us. It only looks dated now. Rated R , but there's nothing here to warrant it.

A strip club waitress Heidi Paine works with a writer of UFO books Steven Blade to find out why her sister was killed after being abducted by aliens. The plot concerns MJ, a secret organization working with the aliens to produce a baby who will be the next "messiah". Erik Estrada who is also Associate Producer plays a rogue scientist who will do anything to stop this baby from being born.

Filled with lame action sequences, retarded acting and a plot that leads nowhere. Filmed in Colorado by director Bob James who thankfully hasn't directed anything since this. I've seen worse films, but this one feeds off the bottom of the barrel. Home Video Release. When train conductor George "Buck" Flower accidentally exposes himself to a Mars-made biological organism, he infects the people at the next train stop.

If you fall asleep, the germ causes your head to swell up and pop out your brains and eyes. This happens only once: to introverted Station Master Ralph Meeker we only view the carnage fleetingly as it is rated PG , but the effect is bloody.

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The doctor that is protecting the germ Stafford Morgan learns that he is immune to it but, true to 70's convention, gets blown away at the end by the Government trying to cover it up. Another woman Carol Irene Newell commits suicide by blowing her brains out in a car and ladies man John Goff takes a cyanide pill rather than suffering the effects of the germ. If this sounds interesting, I'm sorry, because it talks itself to death. The people endlessly bicker and it takes forever for anything to happen. When it does, it is in the final 5 minutes.

A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated PG. It seems that the ship is alive, controlled by a computer whose brain is that of the long dead female captain who does not want her love-slave clone Michael Praed to leave the ship with head scientist Catherine Mary Stewart.

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The only interesting part of this film is when telepath Michael Des Barres has his head lasered-off at the jaw line. Blake" in the credits. Good move. This actually got a theatrical release! Based on a series of novels by George R. Major Parker was hanged in the mid 's for killing innocent civilians and Indians. He's on a killing spree again, slicing and dicing the magicians until they spout enormous amounts of blood from their wounds. It all backfires as Parker kills the remaining magicians and the police shoot and kill Graham thinking that he is responsible for the slaughter.

This film would try the patience of Helen Keller. It's horribly acted, the only good-looking girl is the first one killed, the effects are over-the top the blood doesn't spurt, it gushes like a waterfall and it looks like it was filmed on short ends as the quality of the film varies from scene to scene. On a scale of 1 to 10, this one gets a Enter Eva LeeAnne Baker , a witch who was killed years earlier vowing to kill all her killer's decendants.

She revives her ghoulish coven makeup by Ed French and looks for a ring that will give her and her coven immortality. Meanwhile, a cop Michael Conte and a psychic Jacqiue Fitz , both decendants of the witch-killing group, try to figure out why people are mysteriously dying as Eva has the ability to have people take their own lives.

Normally that would be a good thing, but this film just falls flat. Notable only for the scene where Eva sprouts six breasts and her zombie coven suckle them for substanance. Otherwise, this film just sucks.

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Look for two shots of the World Trade Center at the beginning and end of the film. Available on DVD as part of Full Moon 's "Grindhouse Collection" which basically means it has not been remastered and was probably taken from 1" tape masters. It's also his worst. Supposedly taking place in the future the Twin Towers are in the background, but how was he to know? A warrior named Neo Norris Culf , along with a rag-tag band of fighters and a cheap C-3PO knock-off , are out to save a scientist who can clean up the air and save mankind.

Badly-staged fights, stilted dialogue, monotonic acting, hand puppet snake monsters with buck teeth! Sprinkled with a little nudity and some gore again supplied by Ed French, who must have owed Kincaid a very big favor , this film can be best described as about as exciting as watching 80 minutes of static. A Wizard Video Release. It seems that the Detroit Creeper Dan Myers has moved into town and is beginning to kill teenage girls and young boys by slitting their throats.

Political intrigue abounds as the Mayor Dave Bowling would like to cover up the murders because he has a backdoor deal to have a new university to be built in his town. He tries everything in his arsenal to sabotage the Chief and Brock. Filled with terrible acting, flubbed lines, a droning synthesizer score and too little gore, this film belongs in the trash bin and not on the video bins.

Running at 90 minutes, this film is at least 30 minutes too long as the film is padded with endless talking scenes which leads nowhere. If you must see this turd, try to find the version released by Prism Entertainment. It's at least clean and the sound is bearable if that type of thing matters to you. I had to watch it twice. Please pity me. Also starring Sandy Schemmel as the Chief's daughter and Brock's love interest. Troma had a hand in releasing this, so that may tell you something. It sure does, just like a case of deja vu. Four bank robbers crash their car on a deserted stretch of road and are picked up by a mysterious driver and delivered to a house occupied by a mysterious woman and her deaf-mute father.

When one of them tries to escape every road he takes leads back to the house. There's also a refrigerator that can make objects appear and disappear, a pot-smoking rant on why Bugs Bunny will pay in the afterlife! This "Newly Mastered" DVD edition which touts it's 10 year anniversary even though it was released in , shot in Hi-8, leaves a lot to be desired.

What we have here is a slow-moving, talky snoozefest that only livens-up during the final 10 minutes. There's some stop-motion effects provided by Webster Colcord , but very little else. We have to put up with over 20 minutes of various archival footage of war atrocities and hippie music until we get to the main plot. A secret agent Robert Vaughn in stumbles onto a Nazi plot "The Fourth Reich" to clone the world's leaders and replace them with the real ones. He teams up with a bunch of women prisoners to foil the plot. Believe me, it's ridiculous as it sounds.

Directed by both David L. Apparently, the film was either unfinished or too short to release as a feature, so the cave footage was tacked-on to make it releasable. Hitler makes a cameo at the finale and there's also a "surprise" ending. You'll be sound asleep long before Der Fuhrer makes his appearance and the film closes shop. A complete waste of celluloid. A United Home Video Release. Not Rated , but there's nothing here that goes beyond the PG limit. It's films like this that give Nazis a bad name. It's a joke. Quit being so politically correct!

She goes catatonic and her hair turns white so Poe has her committed to an asylum run by the sinister Dr. Grimaldi Cesar Romero. Poe takes an interest in the condition called madness and asks Dr. Grimaldi if he can do some research at the asylum. Soon Poe is ass-deep in trouble as he is tortured and submitted to various degradations.

The only problem is that no one will believe him except for his friend Dr. Forrest Thomas Drake and soon they embark on a journey to find out just what Dr. Directed, produced and written by one-shot wonder Mohy Quandour without an ounce of pacing, thrills or blood. In fact, the bloodiest thing seems to be the image on the video box since it and most of the gore was trimmed to get a PG rating.

This is a lame attempt of trying to tell how Poe came up with his macabre stories. This one one of those films that I have been trying to get a hold of for nearly 30 years since reading about it in some long-forgotten monster mag. I finally managed to pick it up on eBay. Oh well, another wish shot to hell. Virgin Beverly Mary Kohnert and her college class travel to some unknown Slavik country actually filmed in Yugoslavia and meet "The Professor" a badly-accented Bo Svenson , who takes them on a field trip to some remote town.

When the townspeople try to kill Beverly's classmates, they hightail it out of town and jump aboard a train.

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The train becomes possessed and traps the students on board. For the next 60 minutes we are witness to the train and a possessed Beverly killing the people on board the train, by impalement, sliced in half under the wheels of the train, infested by maggots and other pleasantries. The only problem is that most of the gore was trimmed for it's US release and we never really get to see most of the juicy stuff.

It all turns out that Beverly the virgin is to be the bride of Satan as the train makes its way back to the remote town and the Professor and the townspeople offer Beverly to Satan. Beverly has one trick left up her sleeve which really pisses off Satan. Without the gore scenes there's nothing much to offer here except for one delirious scene where the train jumps the tracks just to kill two of the students who escaped the train who are in a boat in the middle of a river!

Otherwise, it's just a poor excuse to show off model trains and a lot of subtitles. If you must watch this film, the DVD is really the only way to do so, because it restores all the gore missing on the VHS. A group of obnoxious teens are there any other type in films like this? They find a tombstone in the back yard and, being the smart upstanding citizens that they are, break it in half and unleash a ghostly old woman actually a man in old woman makeup who traps them in the house. She begins killing them one-by-one and they in turn come back to life as zombies and begin to also kill their remaining living friends.

If it weren't for some of the grisly murders, I would have turned this fiasco off long before it ended. Theres a guy who gets his hands cut off and then impaled on a pipe, various knifings and other impalements and a man has his body cut in half by a falling window. The dialogue verges on the hysterical although I doubt it was meant to be so and the acting consists of everyone screaming out their lines as if the person next to them was deaf.

Director James Riffel give the film the old college try but mostly comes up with an F in almost all departments. The only saving grace are the bloody effects by Ed French. They all look like they were mastered from video. Distributed by Brentwood Home Video. To prove he will be a great leader, alien humanoid Buddy Brett Clark is sent to Earth to fight a "great evil". He breaks up the rape of Laura Pamela Saunders by a bunch of Chicano punks by using martial arts he learned by watching a class a few minutes earlier! One Reggie De Morton , who has the police in his pocket and kills anyone who gets in his way.

Laura runs a youth center and soon she and Buddy who has precognitive powers are converting the local teens including the Chicanos who tried to rape her! This leads to a climatic shootout where Buddy seemingly dies and goes back to his home planet, where he is deemed suitable enough to be the leader. This is mind-boggling stuff folks, as we are witness to multiple accounts of nudity, gun and knife fights, kung-fu, break dancing and other pieces of priceless dialogue When Buddy asks a Black kid if he wants a ride, he says: "If you try any of that faggot stuff, I'll cut your balls off!

You'll just have to watch it for yourself to see what I mean. Are you brave and stupid enough? Who can take this seriously? While in Hawaii, Shane uncovers a series of murders being committed at a 5 year reunion of what looks like Hawaiian Tropic models. The script if you can call it that is filled with all the typical Fred Olen Ray modern material: Women taking their clothes off, women taking showers, women swimming in pools with tiny bikinis. Unfortunately, the murder mystery is a bust as anyone, including a blind man, can spot the murderer s early on and the film is padded with action scenes cribbed from "A" films including a chase scene from the Sylvester Stallone version of GET CARTER [].

This seems like an excuse for Fred to make a film while he was on vacation in Hawaii so he could write the whole thing off as a tax shelter. His accountants must love him. A waste of film and a waste of your time. An Artisan Entertainment Release. Cunningham soon followed and were much bloodier. Not to be outdone, producer Roger Corman unleashed this turd the same year. It's an ecological thriller about underwater scientist Claire McDowell Pricilla Barnes who makes contact with an alien species who want to teach humans how not to destroy their planet.

This does not sit too well with Commander Dobler Bradford Dillman , who is ordered by his boss Roger Corman in a cameo to kill McDowall and destroy the aliens. It all moves very slowly for it's scant 78 minutes and ends with Dillman meeting his end during an underwater earthquake while the heroes are saved by the aliens. Director Mary Ann Fisher her only directorial effort but she has produced many of Corman's films isn't given much of a script to work with courtesy of Howard R.

Cohen and Daryl Haney, who also co-stars and the sets and effects are basically leftovers from the countless Concorde films made since the early 80's. Since the film is rated PG, there's also no room for blood and gore, except for a shot of an oozing body and people being deprived of oxygen. Don't waste your time with this one unless you want to make 78 minutes last a very loooong time. Also starring Melody Ryane and Eb Lottimer. All the characters have the last names of NY Mets players at the time. Rated PG Jekyll, who performs illegal experiments on criminals in his basement using a serum he has yet to get right.

The serum drives the person mad and impervious to pain and Dr. Jekyll glees in watching the two people beat themselves to death. Kearney to help him perfect the serum. Filled with martial arts fights, implied rape, beatings, a mute manservant Tom Nickelson , cigarettes burns and other mayhem, yet the film is as dull as a butterknife. Maybe that's because there's no blood, nudity and the martial arts fights are violent yet no one seems to bleed. Director James Wood has thankfully stayed away from the camera since he made this piece of trash.

Mathers overacts to the point that the film becomes high camp and his freak-out at the end goes way over the top. This film is known under a myriad of titles, including DR. I have yet to see a version of this film that is not so grainy as to be unwatchable. Maybe that's a good thing. Filmed in San Francisco. A Genesis Home Video Release.

R ated R. Before you can say, "Bimbos taking their clothes off", the crew and actors are being bumped off by some unseen killer. Director Brian Katkin who directed the halfway-decent SHAKEDOWN the same year lets screenwriters Dan Acre and John Huckert fill the plot with improbable situations, lunk-headed decisions and outright stupid motives for letting the actors doing the things that they do. Since Roger Corman retired from the business, New Concorde Films have taken a nosedive for the worse. There's no reason for anybody to watch this film except if you want to see naked girls, bad acting and a little gore.

The discovery of the killer in the finale is a hoot, though. Made on a small budget and it shows. A New Concorde Video Release.

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A sculptor Wayne McNamara finds a special clay in a crypt in a graveyard and begins making little gargoyle statues with it. They come to life and begin killing people with flame throwers, machine guns and crossbows, including an alley of bums tended to by kindly doctor Russ Tamblyn.

You'll never guess what destroys them: Soda! She still had a great body age 57 at the time and is the only bright spot in an otherwise overlong minutes and boring affair. Too bad she dies halfway through the film. This little-seen turd was released by Malofilm Video and is Not Rated , although there is nothing here that goes beyond an R rating. This Czech Republic film, which is English subtitled, is totally unfunny and mean-spirited. While it may play well in the European sector, much of the humor will be lost on English-speaking viewers.

A group of students gather at a secluded hotel in the middle of the woods to discuss the meaning of life with a blind, pretentious professor Jaroslav Dusek. Out of nowhere, a bunch of zombie woodsmen You can tell they are woodsmen by the feather in their hats. It must be a local thing. A second wave of much smarter zombies who know kung-fu and wear dark sunglasses! If this seems pretty thin, it is. The humor, as it stands, contains one scene where after a couple make love and have a spat, she says: "Eat me! The taste is highly overrated. It's also left wide open for a sequel. I won't be watching it.

This was a long 84 minutes! Released jointly by Fangoria International and Media Blasters. Y ou knew if you sent this to me that I would be obligated to watch it. I did. I hate you. Now, on with the review. This film is merely a series of vignettes, as Jake Dan Haggerty comes from a midwestern town to L.

He joins a repo company and begins taking the tough jobs that no one else can seem to handle. He repo's cars, a helicopter and helps one of the gang in entering a race called the "Slam Track". He also helps a woman named Jenny Dana Bently get her purse back from a snatcher and they begin to have a relationship. When Jake repo's a gangster's car, the tough guy threatens Jake and Jenny and forces Jake to enter the Slam Track and win, otherwise he will kill them both.

Needless to say, everything turns out for the best. I'm still amazed that Dan Haggerty is still considered an actor. I just have to wonder what alternative universe he stepped off of to get these jobs. He let everyone down including all his teammates and himself. What a selfish oaf! Yet, in the end, everyone still loves him!

A PM Entertainment Release. Father O'Sullivan Tim Sullivan , who has lost his faith, leads a bunch of headache-inducing characters on a bus trip down to Mexico for All Souls Day, the only day of the year when the dead can freely walk the earth. On the bus are a married couple who are into trancendental meditation, a cranky male duo who never agree on anything and a former nun and her son, who Father O'Sullivan had an affair with years earlier. Can you guess whose son he is? The mish-mash of a story finds local Dr.

Um-tzec played by Somtow , who likes to cut the hearts out of children while lamenting on how he wishes he was a stock broker on Wall Street, replacing Father O'Sullivan's heart with an evil one in hopes of getting him to sacrifice his son. Along the way, everyone gets trapped in the town and murdered in various bloody ways courtesy of John Carl Buechler and MMI.

One man is decapitated as his head flies through the air and lands in a basketball net. Another has his arm ripped off and shoved down his mouth, the fingers protruding through his neck. The acting is strictly amateur hour various writers and horror enthusiasts, including Forrest J. Ackerman, play corpses and zombies , the pace is slower than a snail with hemmoroids and the ending is just downright ridiculous something about playing basketball against the zombies to save the kid's soul. Fear no more. Here it is! For nearly a hour they fish, go skinny dipping, frolic naked between the trees and make love while talking about the meaning of life and the violence that comes with it.

Janet complains when Richard kills fish and shoots a rabbit, but has no problem stripping naked and making love to the guy while he smears the rabbit's blood all over her!. Things turn a little sour when Vietnam vets Jarvis Leon Morenzie and Troubadour Derek Lamb show up and tell Richard that they are staying in their cabin.

Later that night Richard takes a shot at them and they retaliate by tying up Richard in a giant chicken coop while Jarvis rapes Janet in front of Richard "No! Janet begins to like it and the film ends with Janet saying goodbye to Jarvis and Troubadour as she walks back to Richard to untie him. Turns out that Richard was the worst of the bunch. The End. It's more like watching some chick flick with full frontal nudity and nothing else to recommend for it.

This Canadian-made piece of crap was directed by Barrie Angus McLean, who would later go on to produce a bunch of award-winning animation shorts for the National Film Board of Canada. A New World Video Release. If it wasn't for the pornography subplot, I would have turned this sucker off long before it ended. Someone wearing a cheap rubber mask and cape is killing the college students during Rush Week with an axe the murders are never shown.

Intrepid college reporter Toni Pamela Ludwig digs further and finds out that Dean Grail's Thinnes daughter was killed last year by some unknown assailant, the case never solved. It all ties into the porno subplot as some of the college girls are posing nude and receiving money to put them through college. When Dean Grail found out that his daughter was one of the models, he killed her and now is killing anyone who poses for the photographer or gets in his way.

This is below generic stuff as there are long stretches of nothing and a tasteless bit of a hooker having sex with a corpse. It's much less interesting than it sounds. I had more fun cutting my toenails and I cut one way too short! He is better known as a stuntman. Rated R for nudity, surely not for violence. By the way, my toe still hurts, but it still feels better than watching this film again. Just ask my wife. After a bad auto accident, which kills his entire family, Abel John Gigante tries to protect the ghost of his family, including the title brother Jon Hammer , who was horribly burnt in the accident, from outsiders using their now-deserted family home which supposedly contains a lot of hidden money for make-out sessions by horny teenagers and nosey rednecks.

Most of the time Abel fails and his brother ends up stabbing and slashing the teens with knives and power saws. Abel's brother kidnaps Abel's girlfriend Mary Beth Pelshaw and he rescues her and explains his predicament. She has a hard time believing his story, but eventually takes his word for it. Then a film company comes to the house to make a low-budget horror film. Saying any more about this film would be giving it more publicity than it deserves. As one person puts it in this film: "I hate student filmmaking. They should all be working at the local Home Depot as cashiers, not acting.

Their names sound more like South Bronx gangsters than actors. Don't look for this to be released on DVD any time soon as in forever. When a future descendant of Daninsky the always good Jay Richardson inherits Daninsky's ancestral home, Jay sees a way to make money off his inheritance. Not to belabor the plot, we get the basic Fred Olen Ray girl-on-girl action, Michelle Bauer and her big boobs playing Elizabeth Bathory she's still a looker after all these years , way too little of Naschy who speaks English phonetically , some sex and a little blood. When Fred Olen Ray was hosting his Yahoo Discussion Board, he said that two or three versions would probably be released of the film: An all-sex version; an all-violence version; and one that combines both.

Since this film runs a scant 82 minutes and it's the only version available out there, I would say that this is the best you're going to get here. It's a shame because Naschy is wasted, Richardson dies way too early in this film and the plot is highly generic. Shot on high-definition video by Gary Graver who never phones in a job , the film does have a professional look and sheen, but it's just not enough. It's another one of Ray's hack jobs whose only novelty is the appearance of Naschy. His werewolf makeup is sub-par and the blood quotient is way too low. The only question that I can come up with is: Why bring Naschy over to the States if you are just going to waste him?

It holds little novelty as a horror film and less interest as a softcore porn film. What a shame. I still get a kick seeing Jay Richardson hawking law firms in commercials on TV. It always brings a smile to my face. Unlike this film. A Macabre Entertainment Release and it's not even in stereo! Will this madness ever end? This is one of his late's futuristic thrillers where cloned warrior Dow David Carradine searches for his wife Brinke Stevens , kidnapped by the Warlord the always capable Sid Haig, who is also second unit director here.

Along the way Dow picks up upstart and wisecracking female wasteland survivor Danny Dawn Wildsmith to help him in his search. Dow also carries a mutant genetic head with arms in his backpack, who gives him directions along with a little sass. Ross Hagen plays Beaumont who is probably having the most fun of anyone in this film , who supplies the Warrior with guns and harem girls as mutants with gas masks roam the countryside looking to stop Dow from achieving his goal. He shouldn't have bothered. It seems his wife wanted to leave Dow and likes being with the Warlord.

Filmed with lame action sequences how many angles can you show a car tumbling after an explosion? This is a yawner of the first degree and if it wasn't for the acting qualities of Dawn Wildsmith and Ross Hagen, I would have turned it off long before it ended. I'm tired of these crappy post-apocalyptic thrillers.

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Besides, the Italians did them best and filled them with gore and extreme violence. What you get here are half-baked action sequences, very little blood Bullet hits with no squibs? There are pictures of helicopters on the video box but none appear in the film. A group of annoying Forest Rangers and their friends go out on a week trip in the forest and run into a family of Bigfoots who begin to tear the humans apart Bigfoots tend to do that for some unknown reason.

The film is basically one long chase film where the ragtag team of Rangers fall victim to the creatures one-by-one until only a few are left. First-time director Fred Tepper who usually does Visual Effects for films does have a good Bigfoot creature both costumed and CGI-created , but the story is as thin as tissue paper and offers no plot whatsoever. Just chase and kill, chase and kill. The blood quotient is kept to a minimum, just a few bloody bodies and one good CGI scene of a Bigfoot throwing a woman through the air, but not enough to make you want to go out and rent or buy this thing.

Stay away from this one. Don't you think that would be an interesting concept? Well, this ultra low-budget film will make you cringe as you pity the poor little people who are in this film. Not only can they not act even the normal-sized people are rank amateurs , but they are forced to endure embarassing situations, badly-staged action fights Stevie Wonder could stage a better fight scene and vampire attacks they actually do bite ankles!

The story involves a half-breed vampire killer Drexel Director and writer Adam Minarovich, doing his best Corey Feldman imitation and his half-pint sidekick T-Bone Michael Moore trying to rid the world of the tiny blood-sucking terrors who travel in specially-made motorcycles owned by Producer Jim Holcolmb's family chopper shop before they find a sword with magical powers that will make their race superior to humans.

They join forces with some normal humans after the little vampires find and use the sword, using Drexel's blood as a weapon in the finale to dispatch the vertically challenged. To try and describe how bad this film is would be like describing the color orange to a blind person Do I have Stevie Wonder on my brain, or what! There's not one good thing about this film, from the photography probably shot on DV, with sped-up and slo-mo scenes , sound, acting and the music soundtrack. Wait until you hear the theme music "Three feet tall. Two inch fangs. This has now become one of CritCon's bottom ten films of all time.

A York Entertainment Release Have they ever released anything that remotely resembles entertainment? It starts out during the end of World War II, where a small troop of Japanese soldiers are carrying 10 crates of gold for the war effort through the jungles of the Philippines, They are attacked by a group of headhunters , and the Japs hide the gold in a cave where only three of them survive to escape. The rest end up as heads on sticks. The first one is shot and killed by Purdom when he refuses to co-operate and the second one commits hara-kiri when he finds out that his commanding officer was killed.

Purdom hires arch enemy Stuart Whitman to help him on his quest since he is the best jungle man in the territory. Also along for the ride are Laura Gemser who has a nude swim scene in which she mysteriously dies , Woody Strode who has a fight with Sakata , Glynis Barber, David De Martyn and a bunch of disposable native Filipinos. After fatal attacks by snakes, alligators, an unstable rope bridge and booby traps, the dwindling crew get closer to their destination, and the ultimate showdown between Purdom and Whitman. Just trekking around jungle scenery, lots of arguements and a very quick ending.

If the rest of the film were only as good as it's first ten minutes, we may have had some enjoyment here. Someone is killing the residents of a small town by killing them with a crossbow while waiting patiently on rooftops of houses. Grace Rajskub drives to an adult slumber party while listening to a program on talk radio about the serial killer. When she gets to the house, she only finds two other co-workers there: Lauren Melanie Lynskey and Gina Sheeri Rappaport.

All the other workers were scared to come because of the rash of crossbow killings, the last to take place just a few miles a way from the house. Grace, who is the new girl in the company and no one really know her, is at first a little reluctant to open up to the two girls. When it appears that the killer is on their roof, the girls must come up with a plan to survive. What happens for the next 80 minutes is just a bunch of girls talking and arguing with each other about what to do.

It's so boring nothing is as boring as 3 women talking to each other incessantly that I had to pop some No-Doze to stay awake. I thought that when Rajskub gets shot with a crossbow bolt that things would pick up. They don't. When the killer is revealed he's just a teenager , it's quite a letdown. Hey, I appreciate good dialogue in films. It's just that this film has none. When tabloid reporter Rebecca Michelle McBride crashes the party of wealthy, reclusive Ludwig Herbert Lom hoping to get some exclusive photos of celebrities for her rag, she and a bunch of party guests become trapped in Ludwig's mansion while someone wearing a red cape and mask begins killing them, sometimes using devices from Poe's stories.

Frank Stallone Sly's more talented brother stars as Duke, who, along with bitchy, has-been star Alaina Brenda Vaccaro , vain starlet Colette Christine Lunde , Rebecca's ex-lover Max Simon Poland and various other boobs try to figure out who among them is doing the killings. A waiter has his hand chopped off. Alaini is choked to death and thrown down some stairs. Another has her head cut off by a swinging pendulum clock. Max is repeatedly stabbed and axed to death. Duke is run through after having a swordfight with the red-dressed killer.

As we find out that Ludwig is dying from some incurable disease, the final denouement is really unbelievable something about taking some red pills to give the killer super strength. Rebecca and the killer are the only ones left and a fight ensues where the killer is impaled on a falling iron grate that bars the front door. This is really boring stuff that doesn't make much sense.

There's a little blood, a really bad rock band and endless shots of people running around the mansion. The only suspense to be found is the decapitation by the pendulum clock. Otherwise, it's a stinker of the first degree. Not available on DVD. This is one of his worst. As with all DeCoteau films, the eye is horny and it gives the director reason to show various male and female bodies in their naked forms.

As a matter of fact, if it weren't for the giant eyeball and its huge tentacles, she would get no action at all. Thank goodness this film is only 72 minutes long, because the giant eyeball was beginning to give me a giant headache. As with all giant eyeballs, they are deadly afraid of bright light and is forced to go back to the 8th Dimension, but not before making the two females Lovell and Nanette Bianchi pregnant with it's love children.

Besides a short shot of the kid with a missing eye, there's no blood whatsoever. Just plenty of bad dialogue delivered by bad actors Lovell excluded , a giant eyeball shooting green sex rays and a lot of nudity Bianchi is raped by the eyeball while taking a shower. I could have spent the 72 minutes trying to lick my nose with my tongue instead.

see Available in both R-Rated and Unrated editions. The only difference is the amount of nudity in each. An ox is graphically killed and sliced apart on camera. Snakes, toads, lizards and mice are eaten alive in inserts by the same man at various times during the film and other reptiles and animals are tortured.

Add a little bit of kung fu, maritial infidelity and colorful costumes, mix in some curses and what you get is an unhealthy mix of bad dubbing, sloppy eating habits and some pissed-off women. The main story is about a bunch of women who live in a remote town who put curses on their men if they leave town and don't come back in the allotted time. The main plot deals with a man whose brother is killed by one of the spells and goes out to get revenge. What he doesn't count on is falling in love with the head priestess. Director Wai-Yip Wong fills the screen with atrocious acts of animal cruelty that lies head-and-shoulders above anything the Italians have produced.

I really can't recommend any film that treats animals in such an awful way without advancing the plot even then I would have some trouble with it if it were real animals being harmed. Instead we have disgusting inserts of people eating live animals and reptiles and the film offers nothing in the way of redeeming social values.

Did I mention that the film was colorful? That's about the only nice thing I can say about this cruel film.

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Starring Carter Wong and Cho King as the live animal eater. A VCR Release. BOO - Color me unimpressed. I expected more from effects master Anthony C. Ferrante, this being his first directo rial full-length movie. What we get here is a by-the-numbers horror flick about a group of college students spending a night at an abandoned hospital only to find that something supernatural lives there.

The group is expecting some pre-set scares from some fraternity brother who was sent their earlier in the morning to set up some things that go bump in the night. He is dispatched rather quickly only our group thinks he's alive, not aware that the supernatural presence takes over the dead bodies , and the group wonder why the elevator only takes them to the third floor.

Meanwhile, on the outside, a cop who used to be a blaxploitation star named Dynamite Jones Dig Wayne tries to help a friend whose sister is trapped in the hospital. Little do they know that she is dead and taken over by a good supernatural force, who must defeat the bad ghostly dude so someone can live and tell the tale.

Besides a couple of good special effects and a ghostly little girl which has been done to death in Asian horror films , this film has little to offer that you haven't seen a million times before. If you like haunted house films, you may find something here to get your heart pumping a little faster. I just expected a lot more since Ferrante has worked on so many horror films in his past, both behind and in front of the camera.

Too bad. Also starring Trish Coren, M. A Ventura Entertainment Release. A young woman named Yvonne Cathey Paine finds Barbara Cheryl Waters , a friend she hasn't seen in a while and resembles Yvonne almost to a tee, murders her and takes over her life. She is dogged by Barbara's friend Maureen Penne Hackforth-Jones , a friend of the dead Barbara who worked in television news with her and tries to convince the police and her producer Barry Creyton that the new Barbara is not who she says she is. Yvonne covers her tracks pretty well, as she is able to access Barbara's account at the bank and convince some relative that she is actually Barbara.

She even has Barbara's blind boyfriend Carl Tony Bonner convinced. But Maureen is steadfast and eventually convinces the police that Barbara isn't Barbara after finding some incriminating evidence. In the most interesting scene in the film, the police come and take Yvonne away while she and Carl are having dinner in a restaurant. The only problem is that Carl is in the bathroom when the police cart her away. When he comes out of the bathroom and sits down at the table, he continues a conversation not realizing that she is no longer there.

After a couple of minutes he discovers that she is gone and calls out, "Barbara! Apparently, the Australians could turn out some shitty TV movies in the 70's, just like we did. There's no blood, sex or believable storyline. In other words, a typically bad 70's TV movie that, thankfully, only runs 82 minutes. For Paragon completists only especially for the 13 minutes of previews at the beginning of the tape that's 10 times more interesting than the film itself.

Also starring Barry Pierce and Sheila Helpmann. A Paragon Video Release. He fails miserably. Carol, a commercial actress, walks off the set of her latest shoot where she is raped by wealthy businessman Mr. At the rape trial, Mr. Lee is found innocent and Carol vows revenge. Wendy, a newspaper reporter, stays on the story when Carol is found dead after unsucessfully trying to stab Mr.

Wendy is attacked and raped by four drunken hoods When she puts up resistance, one of the hood says: "Why don't we go to a whorehouse instead? Wendy does not go to the police because she saw the way they treated Carol. Instead, she exacts revenge vigilante style. Her fiance leaves her and takes up with another woman when she tells him about the rape. She kills the four thugs by various means meat hooks, impalement on spikes and scares another hood by putting her last victim's eyeballs in his bowl of rice!

Lee was also instrumental in commissioning her rape. As the police close in, Wendy is caught stabbing Mr. Lee to death. At her trial, Wendy gets imprisoned for life. That's the basic story, but you'll have to put up with some footage that definitely comes from different sources to pad out the film. Godfrey Ho with help from producer Joseph Lai made many of these faux films during the 80's, most of them featuring actor Richard Harrison in cameo bits and many of them with "Ninja" in the title. Thankfully, he's not in this one.

Why would you waste good money on a film like this? The convoluted story is about a voodoo woman and a mad scientist who create a monster from dead body parts, including what looks like the claw of a giant lizard, and inject it with a voodoo serum which brings the monster to life. The monster, who sports bad facial makeup and a white Eva Gabor wig to go along with the lizard claw, goes on a killing spree murdering everyone who he comes across. A teenage girl has nightmares about the monster called a Hungan killing her and her boyfriend in the woods.

So what does this smart girl do? Why, she goes on a camping trip with her boyfriend, her preteen brother and some high school friends. Needless to say, almost everyone dies by the Hungan's lizard claw. Filled with lame-ass acting it's basically non-acting especially by the nightmare girl BJ Moyer who screams at every moment even when she isn't being chased by the monster you'll breathe a sigh of relief when she's finally killed , cheap-ass gore effects an awful beheading, a guy's arm being torn off like it was made of butter, a security guard getting repeatedly bashed on his head with a fire estinguisher, bad lizard claw slashings , a monster that flails his arms while chasing his prey, and a really bad rock band called Cry Wolf who play their "hits" at a house party, this film doesn't even cross over to the "so bad it's good" category, even when a Pee Wee Herman imitator crashes the house party WTF?!

You'll just sit there slack-jawed with boredom hearing such lines as: "I've done it! I've done it! I made the dead live! The best part of the film is the bloopers shown before the end credits. The picture is very muddy. It was encoded in Dolby Digital though.

Also starring David A. Blair and Richard D. The question remains: What did the filmmakers have on Jack Palance to get him to do the opening narration? Maybe he just needed booze money. Distributed by BCI Eclipse which would explain a lot. Instead of resulting in a good indie effort, it falls flat on its face. In , hitman Lens Ozark David Wilson is hired to retrieve an ancient Chinese coin that will give the owner the rights to Hong Kong don't ask me how.

He is doublecrossed after getting the coin and murdered in the desert. He goes to Hell and meets Satan who also loses the coin it has a mind of its own forcing Ozark to come back to the desert during a nuclear test, which makes him invincible. He sets out to get revenge on mob boss Vincenzo Malachi Vince Di Meglio, the best thing about this film , taking out all his henchmen in a series of bloody and supposedly comic viginettes.

The bullets fly fast and furious as Ozark shoots his way through the cast, is rescued by a girl Stephanie Matthews-Diaz who has a connection to the coin, and hopes for a happy ending. The only problem is that Steinauer tries to dazzle us with overused camera tricks solarized shots, sped-up photography, bullet-eye view and an ending that can best be described as unfinished. I had high hopes for the film, but was disappointed almost immediately after putting the DVD in my player.

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